urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface cassface cassface 2009-08-21T23:54:14Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:13045 2009-08-21T23:53:28Z 2009-08-21T23:54:14Z of things that i like;<br /><br />paz, shopping, clothes, floral, vintage, coral, thrift, orange, juicer, cities, countryside, picnic, sun, sunbathing, candles, romance, fragrance, summer, roses, flowers, colour, late nights, lay ins, sunrise, sunset, childish, fun, innocence, naiveity, comfort, videos, sofa, bed, ocean, beach, spade, bucket, sand, photographs, love, hugging, snuggling, closeness, sleeping, blanket, warmth, friends, drinking, warm nights, tents, fires, singing, guitar, melodies, chill out, indie, dresses, high heels, sandals, hangbags, fields, hearts, pet names, cuteness, picture frames, mirrors, reflections, gold, glitter, sequins, letters, writing sets, female singers, correct spelling, good grammar, long conversations, thoughts, feelings, emotions, urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:12624 2008-07-09T09:14:23Z 2008-07-09T09:14:23Z everything is fucked at work and i don't know what to do.<br /><br />we have our meeting tomorrow with the bank manager and dad wanted to tell her we were packing it in, but then he realised that if we pack it in, we'll lose our house and both of our cars, plus whatever else it takes to pay off the debt. it's ridiculous. and we need our overdraft putting up but there's a chance she'll say no and make us bankrupt in which case we don't have the choice whether we lose everything. i really just wanna cry my eyes out. everything i've been doing for the past 2 years has just fallen apart and been a waste of time. i have no money, no paying job, just nothing. i don't have a future. i can hardly apply for a job and put on my cv.. 'was a partner of a failed business'... cause that'll look good. i've never had another job and i didn't go to uni. i have 2 a-levels and fuck all experience anywhere. i just feel so disappointed everything has turned out like this and it can only get worse from here on. there is no way we can clear our debt of 30 grand and keep our house and everything. and i know it sounds selfish but im really really gutted i havent been paid for the past few months and ive missed out on about 4 grand that ill never ever get. i would have nearly been up to 8-10 grand which would have been plenty for me to start my own life but its not happening. i don't have any incentive to work but i know that if i dont work, the business will get crippled even more. i just wish there was some way we could pay off the bank debt and close down the business without losing everything we have. dad is getting more and more depressed and is not working much and i know for a fact it's not helping his health. he's just getting worse and worse. me and jay are unhappy all the time and i really dont wanna get so unhappy that i have counselling or any of that bollocks again. and i dont like complaining or telling people cause i dont wanna whine about it but i dunno what to do and i just feel trapped. its one big fucking mess. i need a hug more than anything right now and someone to just tell me everything will be okay. :( urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:12425 2008-06-25T22:36:12Z 2008-06-25T22:36:12Z I thought I would try venting a bit since I've been pretty stressed lately. By lately, I mean since I took up this job fulltime. Last year it was a laugh, it was easy and I had no pressue. Since September that's all changed and I have so much stress and all these expectations. I have no doubts whatsover that work is behind my constant mood swings and the fact I'm ALWAYS upset. I must cry about 5 days a week, most of which is while I'm either at work, or at home doing more overtime. It's bollocks. Every job seems to be mine and I can't do it all myself. I just want someone to step in and give me some help before everything goes tits up. I swear that by the way things are for me at the moment, I'll have some sort of breakdown by the time I'm 21. I just have too much responsibility at work that no-one is willing to help me with. Maybe it'd be okay if I got home and had something to do but it's just work focused 24/7.<br /><br />That's the second issue that's been bothering me lately. Me and my friends never have time for each other anymore. Although I do have good nights out with them, they're so rare these days. I'd love so much to get away from Thrapston and move to somewhere where I can spend some time with more girls and actually develop some close relationships. That's pretty much where my jealous of Paz and his friends come from. I try so hard to not let it bother me but anytime he's with his friends and not me, I hate it because I know that not only is he having a good time, but they're all so close and they don't even really have to do anything to have fun. With us it's like we have to do something, go out somewhere, not just hang out. I want a mate I can just hang out at home with or just go out exploring/walking/whatever with. Someone I can share stuff with and just be generally close with.. That's something I haven't really had since Middle School, it's quite depressing? The only people I ever hang around with these days are all guys. Both at home in the garage, in Wisbech or in Holbeach, it's always guys. As much as I like their company, it's just not the same. I'm also worried that Dave will one day convince him not to be with me. Or Paz will spend so much time with him that he'll realise how much he misses them and their relationship and will decide that I'm stopping them from having this and get rid of me. Now I know that I wasn't dumped for the reason I believed, there's always the possibility to me that Paz might do it for the same reason and I just wanna know what it is so I don't do the same thing cause I have so much more at stake this time.<br /><br />I'm really hoping that by the end of this year both me and Paz have saved up enough money to move away. I really want us to both have our own independence, have our own place and spend evenings together. We should both be able to see each other and make our own mates which is really what I'd love. I think i'd be much happier then and hopefully any arguments we have would stop. It's always to do with me being moody or something or money stuff. If we both have jobs and a place to live together I reckon it'd all be perfect. I love him so much and I just want it to work out.<br /><br />I know there's more I could rant about but I think at the moment this is the biggest issue for me. I'm hoping I can hold it together until then, I really want to.<br /><br />Ciao. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:12285 2008-02-26T11:34:15Z 2008-02-26T11:34:15Z So much has happened since I last posted an entry. I'm not actually sure how long it's been.<br /><br />Me and Michael had our year anniversary which I'm really pleased about. I know that, for both of us, there were times when we weren't sure if we'd get there, but we did.. And we're both really happy with each other at the moment. The big arguments seem to have fizzled out. We still have the odd disagreement but nothing like we used to. I'm really pleased with the way things are going.<br /><br />For our anniversary we decided to go to Whipsnade Zoo just outside of Luton. We both loved it. Despite being ill I still had a lovely day. We've both decided to go back there again sometime later this year when it's a little warmer. Animals are adorrrable!<br /><br />We're having huge problems both at home and work at the moment. At home, Dad has got in trouble with Inland Revenue and apparently owes them 8 grand because they overpayed us. He's been really stressed lately and ended up having another stroke. I'm a bit worried about him.<br /><br />I'll carry on later... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:11985 2007-10-22T21:34:45Z 2007-10-22T21:34:45Z ohhhh it's hard.<br />it's nearly bonfire night and it's the same every year.<br />i no longer look forward to it but just think about it being the day when emma died.<br />blaaahhhhh.<br /><br />it's so weird. <br />thinking that she would have been around my age.. maybe 17/18 i can't remember :(<br />and im older than her, but back then she seemed so old to me.<br />and she was finishing school.<br />and she had everything and was going to uni.<br />and then some twat killed her and i drove past it and then when i found out it was her i couldn't go back or do anything about it.<br />and now i have everything ahead of me and she has nothing.<br />kinda makes me pretty sad :(<br />i swear noone else ever thinks about her.<br />:(<br />i wish we'd been on the road 5 minutes earlier.. maybe we could have helped?<br />i dunno. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:11663 2007-09-27T23:00:50Z 2007-09-27T23:00:50Z ITS NOT FAIR. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:11282 2007-09-27T22:11:41Z 2007-09-27T22:11:41Z none. and the eating habits thing.<br />had a very bulimic day. kind of?<br />made myself throw up after food twice.<br />since then i've tried again, but i'm finding it hard to actually be sick which is annoying.<br />i tried yesterday after dinner and today after lunch and it didn't work.<br />but i've pretty much binge eaten tonight and im hoping when mum and dad are in bed i can try again.<br />i don't know if this makes me bulimic?<br />i'm considering buying laxatives if that works because i don't have enough willpower to not eat.<br />blah.<br />my throat has become adjusted to my fingers being halfway down.<br />sick =\<br />oh wellllllllllll. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:11125 2007-09-22T23:48:13Z 2007-09-22T23:48:13Z <a href="http://pics.livejournal.com/cassface/pic/000014gd/"><img src="http://pics.livejournal.com/cassface/pic/000014gd/s320x240" width="180" height="240" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />love it :):):):):):):)<br /><br />we had a well nice day today.<br />it was lovely.<br />went shopping and bought loooads.<br />from charity shops and places. cheapooo.<br />ha and it was alllll good until gayboy touched my belly and i hated it.<br />but it doesn't matttterr :)<br /><br />note to self:<br />post later entry about todays eating habits/progress.<br />& period started today. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:10829 2007-08-13T17:48:07Z 2007-08-13T17:48:07Z a week ago i was diagnosed with an std that i knew next to nothing about.. herpes. it's something they rarely mentioned in sex ed, and they failed to tell us that it can be caused by a simple coldsore.<br />i now have the herpes virus inside my body forever.. there's no cure for it. <br />i was given medicine on the day, a tablet i take 5 times a day for a week. it's made me feel so ill for the entire week. couldn't sleep, couldn't go out.. and if i went out i felt so weak i slept for hours. it's been pretty shit.<br />nfjknkfdg blah. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:10703 2007-06-24T22:10:40Z 2007-06-24T22:10:40Z i need to remind myself not to bother telling people when i'm down in the future because noone actually ever cares or tries to help me out.<br />it's wicked. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:10274 2007-06-21T23:37:10Z 2007-06-21T23:37:10Z it's fucked up.<br />this may seem like a pointless entry but i think i'm one of those people, whose mood heavily depends on the weather.. and this week both have been awful.<br />i know that as soon as it gets sunny, i'll feel happy.<br />but it's just not happening.<br />and i am not looking forward to this weekend.<br />i want to have quit work and done my week at the middle school and forget everything and do what i want to do.<br />get better summer.<br />also i don't want to go to leeds and i'm scared and i'm going to miss people.<br />one in particular. =(<br />jsfhf<br />nafffff. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:10121 2007-06-13T23:39:26Z 2007-06-13T23:39:26Z ha, i well don't feel as though i'm involved in anything anymore.<br />or if anyone really wants me to do stuff with them cause i never get invited.<br />i'm in such a retarded negative mood about everything at the moment and i'm not even anywhere near my period.<br />i don't understand ittt.<br />yeah i got invited out last night, but it wasn't until late anyway. and only because it was only really robb who wanted me there.<br />the only other person who seems to want me to go out with them is amy.<br />and she's the hardest person to go out with because i never have time to see her anymore.. like on weekends.<br />jsjhfshfkfdfkv.<br />my thoughts all feel so irrational and i dont know what i want and i just don't know anything to be honest. not only am i losing my memory to a large degree, i swear i'm also losing intelligence if that's even possible.<br />is it?<br />jkHEDKAS urgh.<br />i want good times and happy thoughts and im having them very rarely.<br />dunno whats upppp.<br />holiday please come and make everything bettttter.<br />:) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:9833 2007-06-09T23:30:49Z 2007-06-09T23:30:49Z tonight isn't right.<br />i should be at michaels :( not sat here on my own.<br />i haaate it.<br />this is what weeknights are for.<br />blah.<br /><br />i just made michaels birthday card and i'm happy with the presents i bought him although i need to get something else, something special.<br />i'm not sure what yet.<br />i'm hoping this weekend will be good.<br />it better be sunny so we can have our picnic.<br />i'm so excited about this summer, i'll be able to see him so much.<br />i'm also going to spain for a week and i'm going to miss him like hellll but i've planned to phone every night and send postcards hahah.<br />oh dear.<br />things might be looking up for us? i hope soo.<br />anddd in 4 days we've been together for 4 months which is quite good. it's gone so quickly.<br /><br />anyhow. i'm going to bed because i have noone to talk to or see or anything. bit of a loner tonight. =(<br />jefjefeejkreosls. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:9704 2007-05-28T22:29:02Z 2007-05-28T22:29:02Z this weekend was actually pretty amazing and better than i expected?<br />i think i'm actually going to write about it tomorrow because my eyes are sore.<br />but yes.<br />it was good. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:9299 2007-05-21T22:13:10Z 2007-05-21T22:13:10Z hhdhdfkhkjgjdjdsjd.<br />surprise surprise.<br />bad mood AGAIN<br />maybe it's just because i don't update when im happy because im too busy having a life.<br />but yeah i feel shit.<br />and days like today remind me how rubbish people can be. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:9161 2007-05-08T18:10:57Z 2007-05-08T18:10:57Z i'm getting aggitateddddd.<br />jdjnfjk<br />i am actually always in a bad mood.<br />it's terrrrrrrible.<br />holiday for me in er 2 months.<br />might book it next week.<br />either on my own or with mum or michael?<br />dunno.<br />don't really fancy going with mum.<br />i dunnnno.<br />dunno about anything?<br />ever. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:8848 2007-05-07T19:12:35Z 2007-05-07T19:12:35Z i'm annoyed at everything today.<br />and i have reasons.<br />ughhhhh.<br />i can't be doing with all this haha.<br />and i feel like it alllll the time.<br />it's well not good.<br />i well want a counsellor again to talk to about everything.<br />but a decent one this time.<br />blaaaahajgeglkdfldf/<br />fnjkdfnkdj.<br />fuck offffff. :) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:8601 2007-04-19T17:57:23Z 2007-04-19T17:57:23Z and. why do people who owe me money.<br />say they'll give me it another time so they have money for the weekend and the one after.<br />and then spend it on weed.<br />doesn't make sense. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:8430 2007-04-19T17:34:19Z 2007-04-19T17:34:19Z might as well write here instead of speaking about it and getting annoyed...<br /><br />i don't like it when people apologise for not being able to treat me ever due to lack of money and then spend £30 on weed.<br /><br />:( urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:8184 2007-04-15T23:05:11Z 2007-04-15T23:05:11Z feeling fat fat fat.<br />=( urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:7824 2007-04-11T22:01:09Z 2007-04-11T22:01:09Z i'm bored.<br />bored bored bored bored.<br />and i'm bored of working all day and coming home and being on my laptop.<br />especially since i spend 7 hours a day on my work computer.<br />i need a hobby. or anything.<br />hmmmmmm.<br />i want some alcohol/drugs.<br />and i want to quit my job.<br />tell leeds that i'm not going.<br />and fuck off to france or somewhere.<br />heh, i wish.<br />jgjorigjroigjir.<br />i need something new.<br />i need to go to the beach.<br />now =( urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:7659 2007-04-02T21:33:15Z 2007-04-02T21:33:15Z saturday was horrrrible.<br />i wanted to cry.<br />ha.<br />i hate the cold that much.<br />never agaiiiin. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:7193 2007-03-29T22:05:36Z 2007-03-29T22:05:36Z crycrycry.<br />i have the worst mood swings ever. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:6974 2007-03-28T21:29:59Z 2007-03-28T21:29:59Z averagely happy.<br />alton towers next weekend.<br />feeling fat though.<br />i keep going from 9 stone 3 to 9 and a half.<br />it's irritating.<br />down in the 8s please. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:cassface:6658 2007-03-13T21:08:39Z 2007-03-13T21:08:39Z perioodddd. where you at.<br /><br />my current medication stops my pill from working.. so the fact that my boobs are slightly bigger and my period is a day or two late gets me paranoiddd.<br />obviously i'm not stupid enough to have unprotected sex.<br />but when you're getting it about 4 times a night, it's easy to make a mistake.<br /><br />rfjhjhereje.<br />come now pleaseee.